The trick is you gotta name things that don't suck

 

I'm told my absence from writing is starting to become noticeable. That's actually generous of you all...I appreciate so many (even if it just feels like many) sticking around for the story. We all know there's plenty to do in a day (for most) and more than enough content out there to keep you occupied if you're in search of it. I'm flattered to be on your list of things to consider with respect to how to use your time every so often.

My brain has felt like the image above. Some days that curricular mess of confusion and unmistakable pattern of meaningless scratches is how my body feels too. And, well, some days just suck.

It occurs to me I haven't written much about the cancer treatment I take daily, in fact I would say I barely gave it credence other than to acknowledge it won't work nearly as long as I (or anyone else taking it) would like it to. 

Actually, you might recall in one of my earliest blogs I admitted initially sitting in some denial about all of this. That was even more true when it came to this medication. It took weeks to get the paperwork sorted, the compound pharmacy details organized, and a few delays occurred. 

Delays for a treatment, mind you, that was critical with respect to timing. If livers could be compared to phone batteries, mine was red.

The only person relieved about the slowness of this process was me. I have the messages in my health portal from my oncologist and Palliative Care team to remind me how desperate they all were for me to start it.

So you might find it hard believe when I tell you half of me wanted to flush it upon arrival.

No. Most of me. 

I'll spare you any suspense. I take the pills.

It's a sizeable pill. One I get tasked with reordering every seven to nine days (which - for the record - is absolutely annoying and not always as simple as a few clicks on my device). And it requires me to eat first, which is also not always something I'm interested in. Perhaps that would be something to work around except it needs to be taken at the same time everyday.

But mostly the reason I ** dislike it so much

**

is because the symptoms can be rough. And while they were pretty miserable in the beginning, and then they lightened up a bit after a couple three weeks, they seem to enjoy making a special appearance, without notice, from time to time. 

Nothing about this upcoming sentence isn't something all of you can relate to. The lousy things in life are far more exhausting than the good things. And talking about them gets tiring.

For the last several weeks, I simply became sick of my own story. Which makes sitting down to tell it, even a small part of it, about as unappealing as my breakfast on certain days (that's the time of day I selected for my cancer treatment).

My therapist, V💜, who I meet with weekly (which is one of my greatest gifts in this) recently encouraged me to list the things that don't suck when I start to feel bogged down in those things that do.

While I'm certain she appreciated the flattery of me letting her know she's on it, and I mean it, she was serious in the assignment.

You gotta find the things that don't suck. 

So while the list I'll share here will be somewhat vague...I want to acknowledge a few things, in no particularly order, that do not suck. 

I live in a place with pretty amazing weather (and if you live where I live I promise I didn't wish for the recent chilly temperatures and overcast skies) - it smells delightful around here lately with everything blooming. And it's been mostly sunny for two weeks.

I've known the incredible people that might be complaining of gray skies (I used to live in the PNW and I do love that weather) for less than ten months and they have, despite that short time span, wrapped their arms around me. They care deeply about how I'm doing and what I need, and they mean it every single time they ask.

And not a day goes by that I don't receive text messages, phone calls, or voice memos (K💚) and Polos (E💛), cards in the mail, or care packages from people wishing me well and sending me love.

And Oliver is still here. 💕

There's more (lately I am in need of this exercise a lot).

But what I'm remembering right now as I write this is that some of you reach out to me on your sucky days. We all have them. And it doesn't have to have a big, bold, horrible, mean word attached to it to be labeled as such. 

So my thing that doesn't suck, for today, is I am so grateful for everyone being so kind to me. And I'm even more aware of how fortunate I am when I think about the fact that you have sucky days too - that perhaps even on a day when the world felt unfair, you hurt, you slept terribly, you lost, or it feels like you failed - you helped me not feel quite as low. 

I'm not able to offer much these days in return, but I hope you feel my gratitude.