The luxuries in life

 

Lately, I would not use the world luxurious to describe life. Life is kicking me in the face a little bit. Or at least my anxiety is. And life is causing me a lot of anxiety.

Once again I'm faced with questions regarding my health. I had CT scans about six weeks or so ago, and while the cancer remains 'quiet' - which is a wonderful, beautiful thing, they noticed a thickening of the esophagus that will need to be examined with an endoscopy. And for kicks they are throwing in a colonoscopy as well.

I've had both before, several times in fact, but it never makes the less than desirable prep for one of those two procedures any more comfortable. 

Mindset is absolutely everything for me lately, so I will have to work on patience and faith a little harder for the next month. This just so happens to be the length of time I have to wait to have this done, due to scheduling. Though I do plan to become that obnoxious person who calls to find out if there's a waitlist or unexpected opening sooner than a month from now.

Especially because pathology takes another two to three weeks. Ah more patience,

I continue to see my oncologist, Palliative care team, and therapist, as well as get regular lab work done. Plus I now need to establish a primary care doctor, and I'm due for a mammogram. So what I'm trying to convey is I've had enough of the medical world for a while.

But I'm grateful people are paying attention, and I need to be appreciative that I have the time to see to such matters. 

The first item that appears on the list of life's luxuries: Time. Thanks to being unemployed I have that in abundance.

I'm lacking total health, but I'm very lucky to be so stable right now with my cancer. 

I have so many of the others: slow mornings, rest without guilt, calm and 'boring' days, meaningful conversations, home-cooked meals thanks to my parents, and people who I love and who love me back. Especially my parents and best friend Erin.

No I don't have a quiet mind at the moment, or any plans to travel, but I can check quite a few of the things on that list.

In my toughest moments, I have not been thinking of any of those as luxuries. I'd argue some I feel great distain toward. 

So I'm going to pivot in my thinking. I'm going to find a way to keep going as I wait for answers, results, and appointments to hopefully help me further.