Don't let the hard days win

 

So I promised more blogs, and I'm thinking I might as well keep blogging about the real stuff - which I think I have to-date mostly (just admittedly infrequently) - than talk about anything else, even if it's easier.

The sun is shining more (it's not today as I write this but I appreciate the cooler temperatures), the trees and bushes are blooming, and I think we can safely say goodbye to winter weather. Normally that would be more than enough to lift my mood. But lately I battle that every single day. And I lost my normal awhile ago, so it makes sense that good weather doesn't cut it anymore.

It's true that almost all of us wake up 'on the wrong side of the bed' some days. Not every day is easy for anyone. And yet lately I find myself truly talking through how to have a 'good' day. A day without quite as much fear, boredom, anxiety, or sadness. 

I work with a therapist (missing V💜 a great deal, but grateful for my new behavioral therapy specialist) and we've been talking about depression vs. grief. It's been an interesting learning opportunity for me as I work through both.

Depression is a dark cloud that follows someone...essentially everywhere. You get good news, you hear something delightful, you learn something, someone shares their time with you - and yet there's a quiet, lingering feeling that the experience could feel lighter. That once upon a time it did feel lighter.

In its deepest state, untreated, it could pull someone under the covers or prevent them from daily tasks and self care. My particular version of depression doesn't do that. It does however come with a feeling that doing the things, whatever those may be, takes extra effort and thoughtfulness.

Then there's grief. I remember when I went through my divorce feeling deep grief. You lose something you so intentionally chose, that was woven into the fabric of your very being, and suddenly you're questioning if you are worthy of what it offered. Or what you thought it offered. 

Somehow, you begin to realize only that part of your life has dramatically shifted but there's a great deal that can or does remain stable. Not always, of course.

Get divorced and see how fast certain people disappear. Or perhaps you find yourself in a new home as well as relationship status. 

This time - older, wiser perhaps - feels like a different level of grief. And my therapist has truly helped me see that there's a great deal of loss accompanying my life circumstances at the moment. I intellectually understood that but her labeling it as such has opened my eyes.

So what does one do with that heavy emotion.

When the world feels like it has lost its' color you keep putting one foot in front of the other. 

Work really, really fing hard to smile anyway.

Make a gratitude list at the end of each day. Or the beginning.

Listen.

Feel the hard.

Let people carry you. And don't worry, for the time being, about paying them back.

Celebrate the smallest moments of joy when you feel them.

I will probably write a little more about this soon, as I am imminently approaching even more grief and loss. 

My position is ending in a couple weeks. My career may or may not be over. 

That in and of itself is tremendous heartbreak to carry. But approaching that date has been just as hard.

My promise to myself and those who love me is I will keep working diligently not to let the hard days win.