Some call it fate.

 

I know. Not everyone believes in Fate. Or luck. Or that everything happens for a reason. 

Not everyone believes in meditation or plant based eating either - though they do exist for sure, even if you don't think it'll do you any good, so that might not be a valid comparison...

For the purpose of this conversation, and the sake of your sanity and mine, if you are not a believer in fate, luck, or the universe having more control than we do, you could skip this post. 

No doubt there's a Netflix show to watch or some endless scrolling to do. 

Or a delicious burger calling your name.

(this is like when something you don't want to see is about to come on television and you're warned to leave the room.) 

You were warned.

I am definitely on the side of things where I think the universe has more control than me. That there's roads presented and which one I select will determine all kinds of things.

In a past life I was a college admission counselor (both as a representative for colleges/universities and later as a counselor on what we call 'the other side of the desk.') and I would tell students that no matter what they would find a place to go. That where they ultimately selected to go to school would NOT ruin their life if they didn't get into University X (some of my fellow friends and colleagues know exactly what the X(s) represent).

But it might change who they are lifelong friends with. Or the career path they take. 

Or even who they marry.

So I think I might have been giving less than sound advice, it turns out. Since I married someone I went to college with and would never have even dated him had I not, and we all know how that turned out (if you're up to speed about my membership cards.)

So is having cancer my fate? Is it happening for a reason?

I can't be sure. 

But I do know this. We've all faced hardships. Some of us more than others. I've been handed my fair share .... some might say mine + a few more shares that belong somewhere else.

In the past, I turtled. I pulled myself into a carefully crafted hard shell to keep as many people as possible away.

What for?

Probably to avoid more pain, heartbreak, embarrassment, and my own insecurities. 

And likely to avoid further disappointment, too.

But this time, this journey I'm on demands something different. 

My cancer is a metastasized cancer that almost six years ago was just a small, benign tumor that was found because I was going to have a surgery to correct my deviated septum which was going to cure my mild sleep apnea. A frustrating problem I'd been diagnosed with years before, with a recently discovered solution after complaining about my CPAP machine to someone I barely knew who had a friend with a similar situation. 

I had standard pre-op blood work done about a week before the scheduled surgery in July 2018 and two days before the surgery was told that I couldn't be operated on because of severe anemia. 

Because of that anemia, iron infusions for months (which thankfully resulted in a rescheduled ENT surgery in November 2018 - no more CPAP!), and a Hematologist that was paying enough attention to realize the anemia wasn't going away - I had an endoscopy/colonoscopy in the spring of 2019 to locate the internal bleeding (the cause of the anemia). 

Which is how they found the 4 cm benign tumor in my stomach. 

Sitting right underneath a bleeding ulcer (hence, the anemia).

A tumor, which if you haven't yet picked up on my subtle (not-so-subtle) reference to fate, would have not been found for who knows how long had there not been the previous sequence of events.

That story had a seemingly easy ending. 

Few people heard about it because I wasn't willing to share it back then. 

So why tell my story now....because this story is not going to have an easy ending. And by being alongside on the journey with me, you're going to help me in ways I may never be fully able to articulate. 

And I actually suspect you may gain something too. 

Or at least I very much hope so.